night time confessions

I keep thinking that if I hold my breath until I pass out that when I wake up maybe things will be better. When did life get so hard? How did I get back to this place. I hate this place, I thought I left this place and now here I am again standing smack in the center of this awful place, population one (me).
My stomach hurts because I ate popcorn. I hate popcorn, it hurts me. I went back to work for the first time since it happened. Its funny how nosy people are, but whats more funny are the lies we tell to tide their thirsts for dirt over. I gave everyone a different story so when they all compared notes behind my back they would know that I had obviously lied to all of them.
At one point tonight I had a constant stream of tears running down my face. It was like I had forgotten to turn the faucet off in the bathroom and the water just kept gushing out. It feels good to cry like that. Cry so hard that you make yourself laugh at how much you are crying.
Today was a day for self improvement. I spent too much money on retail therapy and hardly any money on real therapy. I ate pasta that tasted like dog food and ate minestrone soup that had cooked carrots in it. I hate cooked carrots, but I ate them anyways; I never eat them anyways.
On my way home I got a phone call from drea. I was describing the difference between two oscar worthy performances and when I was finished she said that the words that had just come out of my mouth manifested into every reason why I am her best friend. Its nice to be told once in awhile that you are loved without hearing the words I love you.
Lately all I've been being told is how much I'm fucking up without even actually hearing the words. Its the tones, fuck, the lack of words from some, the disapproving expressions.
I'm ready for my efforts and tokens of affection to be matched. I'm ready for my change. I'm ready for my fucking coconut cupcake that I've been craving for weeks. I'm ready to start breathing again.