flailing & failing

I can't write your letter. My thoughts have been translated into full and well structured sentences in my head. But now, I can't write your letter. The uncertainty of it all is holding me back. Maybe it just means that I'm not ready. Not ready, that should be the title of the book I'll write about us one day. Not ready to let go in every sense.
Why can't I just write to you like I used to - why are things so different now?

I feel like my heart is in a vise-grip and the more I try and put the pen to paper the tighter my heart is squeezed.

I know what it must seem like, probably even more so now after reading this mess. The truth is, my struggle lies more in who your letter is from - as in which part of us (part of me) wins and gets to hold the pen.

thoughts over laundry

I woke up at 6 this morning as the lingering smell of someones Eggo Waffle wafted into my bedroom. It was a pleasant way to wake up but I had to override the urge to get up and tucked myself back into bed with the promise of a later morning trip to Cartola. Cartola, the pretty little gem of a coffee shop that is tucked around the corner from my house, is a new favorite of mine. The coffee is respectfully crafted and the space begs for you to sit down and create.*

* I didn't finish this blog and now two days have passed

So here I sit at the E-mat. It certainly does not possess the same allure that Cartola has, but I guess when your purpose is laundry its really not all that important. Why do things take 5 million hours to download? Are free movies, songs, shows, etc. really worth the cost of time they take to procure? I find myself growing impatient and opting to throw money at iTunes so I can indulge in my escapism that much sooner.
I've noticed that when it comes to taking care of the things I need to do for myself my sense of urgency is becoming increasingly depleted. There really is no good explanation for why, I just think I have a lackadaisical state of mind.

I'm off to go fold clothes.

one girls heartache is anothers mend

I'd like to think of myself as a giving person. The kind of girl who is there for you whether you're in need or not, just someone you can count on to do the right thing socially and morally - and often times its to my own detriment. There are certain things however, that I have difficulties with and yesterday I had to jump the hurdle of one of those things.
The plan to move my cat Max to Arizona with my mother and his other kitty buds has been set now for a couple of months. Max is the kind of (man) cat who will love you with all 22lbs of his being - when he feels you have earned it. He's not a mean cat, but if you are a stranger, don't expect him to greet you with loving meows or his ever famous love nibbles.
Though I was sad that Max was now going to be my long distance lover, a circumstance that I have grown a kin to, my heart was eased knowing that he was going to be with my mom and there anytime I made the jaunt down. All of that changed however when my mom told me that Max had captured the heart of someone in need.
A long time friend in my mothers circle, whom I have actually never met, has recently found the strength to save herself and her son from an abusive marriage. This friend, who's privacy I will respect, fell in love with Max upon meeting him and he uncharacteristically jumped in her lap and bestowed upon her lavish kisses and conversations. According to my mother, Max continued to express his love for this woman for her entire visit. Coincidentally, she had been thinking that her small family would benefit from having something to love to help them move on from their painful past.
I believe that Max must of seen that this lady needed to be loved as much as she needed to love something and that is why I agreed to her taking Max home.
In case I didn't make it clear in the beginning, Max is one of those things that I am completely selfish about - and anyone who knows me can confirm. I've made nighttime guests scoot out of the way for him so he has a spot on the bed, I'm very particular about the way he is talked to - I don't take kindly to constant comments on his weight and so on. Max is my little man, the one who could and literally would spoon me at night. He was more than just a cat to me, he was my family, and now he will be more than just a cat to a woman and her son, he will help them heal.

Tuesdays with Whories

Its becoming an unfortunate norm when I sit down to write a blog to want to start off with an acknowledgment to the amount of time that has gone by since the last one was written. Partly do to the fact I have yet to get Internet at the new place, but mostly because I've been writing in my journal more. It feels better to wake up in the morning make coffee and then go sit on the back patio and put pen to paper. Anyway.
So the new place is wonderful. Things are coming together and my first non-boyfriend roommate situation feels like the right fit. This is the first time that I have lived somewhere and not been in school, and its as if I have discovered a whole new way of living.
Things I have learned:
1. the dining room table is not actually a desk
2. doing laundry once a week is not only feasible, but a must
3. when you make dinner and have left overs, you should eat them
4. composting smells
5. if you make your bed in the morning, you feel better during the day
6. and most importantly thanks to a few good people I've learned how to make french pressed coffee... i know, i know, a small but life changing lesson.
The girls and I are doing laundry and the E-mat and its quite the experience. There is a small group of trannies in laundry day attire, some sans panties, draping their clothes over one another exchanging "no girl you look fierce in this one." I've seen and heard too much for a Tuesday morning.
Oh life, how quickly you can turn from melancholic to sweet - just don't turn back on me anytime soon.

True to form, rather than getting my shit together I have opted to download music and figure out my outfits for the weekend (since most of my shit is going to be boxed up), and oh yeah write a blog. At least I am consistent in my issues with procrastination. Last nights dinner at Torro Bravo for the birthday boy was oh so good. I did however end up with a nasty bruise on my ankle and sadly just hit the same spot as I made a mad dash for my ringing phone- the call was NOT worth the pain I'm in now.
Ouch. Ouch.
Moving on. Tomorrow night will be my first night in the new place, should be interesting. I'm not going to have internet for a few days which is going to be haarrddd, but at least I have my music and plenty of boxes to unpack.
So I graduated like two months ago and I expected to feel all of this change and grandeur and lotty da but all I felt was angst and resentment. I felt like I had no direction and everything I thought I had wanted didn't seem right anymore and it really pissed me off. Thats not what was supposed to happen, or so I thought. Now I feel all the goody gumdrops of change. I'm moving out, in, and on with my life. Things are supposed to happen when you are ready for them, and right now I am ready for a lot of the change that is taking place. I just don't have the heart for some people/things anymore and I'm FUCKING FINALLY at a place where I can do away with it all. I can physically feel the difference. Its soo good.
Yesterday I went running on wildwood trail in the pouring rain with Jam and it was so freeing. I can't even begin to describe the euphoria I got from splashing mud everywhere with each step and just fucking pushing myself through the pain and moments of weakness. Its like I can breathe deeper because of it. I feel so good! I can't wait until we go again, rain or shine. Running on a trail in the hills does so much more for me than running in the city ever did. You are just there experiencing a part of life that you forget exsists.
ok-ok no more gushing I have to get ready for work and then after that I'm off to see the Lonely H.

keeping my faith

I love when you find an album and every song on it touches you as if the words in the songs were your own. I'm currently obsessed with The Sounds, Dying To Tell You album and any chance I can listen to it I do.
Anyway. I found a place! So excited. Rach and I are going to be moving in on the 15th and then Jon will move in after fire season. I'm so excited - can't wait to have summer BBQs and just be closer to everyone. It's interesting to see how life unfolds when you let go of the steering wheel. There are people in my life who shake their heads at how I live. They don't understand the decisions that I make, the people I make them with, or the paths that I take. For awhile, whether they know it or not, I would let their comments sink in - and I would actually feel bad. I felt like I had to justify my behaviors, my choices in life and right now I can't believe that I ever did that. Recent events have lead me to realize that I really love where I am. I've said it time and time again, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whats meant to be will be. I do things at my pace, when things feel right for me, and that can't be dictated by anyone else. I know when to push and I know when to stand down. I've made mistakes in my life before but I don't regret any of them. I am who I am for a reason, and I've gotten this far because of ME - not because I followed another persons plan. Basically what I am saying is that I believe in myself and I know that I will be able to achieve what I set out to do. I'm not going to loose my faith because when I look around at what I've created for myself and what I am setting out to do, I can't help but be excited.

I've been harassed a great deal about the fact I haven't written in awhile. To that I say - sorry I have a life! Haha. No but seriously I have been really busy doing productive things like graduating, throwing my much mulled over plans right out the window and starting anew, and most importantly I am getting reaquainted with my social life. My game plan right now is to figure out what my new game plan should be... as of yet this is what I have on my to do list-

- find a spectacular and affordable 3 bedroom house on the east side (nice kitchen, big yard, etc)
- move into said spectacular house with jonny & rachel
- go to sassy with my friends in may
- procure some sort of more lucrative income, possibly something with an impressive title
- bbq
- other unmentionables
- road trip to the new summer house in AZ
- help jen plan her wedding ((omg!)oh btw jen...i'm helping you plan your wedding pro bono)

So yeah for now thats whats up. I hope this was a good enough update for all you cry babies. I promise I will write more when I return home from LA.